It's been a long long time since I've posted and so much has changed in my life. I feel somewhat settled into the new routine, the new place, the job. . .it's not perfect, of course, because I don't have Orion with me 100% of the time. It's like having part of my soul ripped out, of course.

But, on the other hand, he's getting quality time with his poppa and seems to be a happy kid no matter what he's doing. He's so imaginative and can create an atmosphere of play out of cardboard boxes.

So, I'm in the new condo with a garage stuffed full of boxes of things I don't necessarily need but can't throw out. (A chafing dish, a large coffee carafe, books and books and books with no bookshelves) It's super quiet here, and I rarely see other tenants. Workers are here converting the next apartment building over into condos. I was lucky to get in here while I did as prices are going up with this next phase. I have a peek of Mt. Ranier from one of my windows, I have a cool spiral staircase leading to a large loft where Orion and I have our desks. I'm close to the Kent clinic where I sometimes work, closer to my mom and dad, sister and niece and cool stores.

Working full-time has been tough. The weeks feel extraordinarily long, and I've been covering vacations. So, I'm doing all sorts of different jobs at the different clinics. I enjoy the challenge yet it's exhausting. Two weeks ago, I was back-office dr assistant at Kent, this past week, dispensing optician at Auburn, this coming week, I will be the back-office assistant at Auburn. ("Pretester") doing the autorefractor, getting eye pressures, blood pressures, acuities, med history, contact lens trainings, etc.

Our house in Auburn is sold and now occupied by strangers. A weird and extremely sad feeling. I try to not think about it or many other things, so as to keep the water-works from happening.

The rainy summer we've been having is putting down my mood. Today, I'm staying in, being lazy. And it's Sunday already. time for another damned week of work. How did I survive full-time for all those years?

Patrick is in his townhouse and has a lot of work to do. I helped him move some shelves the other day. He's done a nice job with color selections. It's a long way out there, to drop Orion off in the morning before work and to pick him up after work. School is just around the corner, with Orion off to Kindergarten soon. I'm going to hate that day, I think.

There's so much more in my heart--things I won't write, because they don't belong here. I just know that people presume to know me and make judgments that aren't true. I'm faced with it every day, especially at work. Gossip mongers!

I hope all my friends in LJ land are doing well. I'm happy to be able to have the time or mood to even post a little bit. I haven't written or exercised in a long while. I realize I need to know get my life back in control, if I can. And here I sit today, doing nothing.

Okay, second draft of the novel finished with the blending of last chapter and epilogue all figured out. It seems to be okay, from what I could tell. I have a writer friend (and QUITE the writer! dear God!) offer to be a first reader. I will soon take her up on that, and I suppose I should contact that agent and touch base with him.

I'm moving on the 16th of June. Very soon. Lots of emotions go with that, and I won't dwell on them here. Bottom line: our house needs to sell. No offers so far.

Work hasn't yet officially told me I am getting full-time, but those behind-the-scenes tell me I've nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about. O...kay.

As for sweet dreams. . .not by a long shot. I've had one of the most disturbing dreams I've had in a long time; I think I may have cried in my sleep. Since yesterday, I've had this nervous, unhappy feeling in my stomach. I suppose it led to the dream. I hope I can slip out from beneath its shadow today and feel happy. Reassured.

Kicked the ball around yesterday with my pal, Mike. Didn't get rained on, luckily, and I love the new soccer ball he bought. It sails! I'm missing soccer a lot.

Lots to do this week.

I think I've figured out a way how to blend an almost throw-away chapter and my epilogue. I almost finished it this morning. We'll see if it holds up.
It will be nice to get this one out the door (I hope I can still send it) and jump into something new. The something new I started on before, with my Peri character, will have to be revamped to fit in with the different mood I'm sure to be coming to the computer with.

Part of me would like to do something completely different. I just need to make sure I jump into something immediately. I suppose those will be my goals with this new life just around the corner: to get back into writing and soccer. I've put both of those things I loved in the background while going through these hard times. I appreciate the notes from people who encourage me to keep going. I need that more than I need someone to say to take some time off! I've grown up with sports and a true competitive spirit. If I let myself slack, I could end up on the bench. I was never a bench-warmer. I just have to keep telling myself that.

God, I had one of the most awful nights of my life not long ago. Long story short: I lost my car keys in the river. Plunk. One second in my pocket, the next, out they come (shallow pockets) and into the water they go. I didn't have my phone, my purse, or any money whatsoever. You can't call a cell phone collect, I found, and I hardly had anybody's phone numbers memorized. You quickly become a nobody without your money or a phone and I certainly wasn't going to wave down passing cars for help. A single woman alone at night? Sure. Ended up calling "pop a lock" and paying $70 for them to open my car. I could finally get to my phone! I had a spare key that Patrick drove down to me. I was SO CLOSE to breaking my car window.

I'm never putting keys in my pocket again.
And I'm getting spare keys today, I think.

Still having trouble blending the last chapter and epilogue together. A lot of staring at the text this morning with no progress. Didn't sleep well last night, either. Troubled. Bothered. Worried. Annoyed. All of that. Plus a stinging little sunburn on my back because I got too much of it yesterday. Trying to fit all of summer onto my back in one dosage.

Currently watering the front lawn while typing this with Orion gripping my left arm, trying to get my attention. He's in a happy mood this morning. Good.

We need to get our house sold. I think that will greatly ease our minds!

It's been a long while since I've posted. I haven't been writing for various reasons, but this morning I was able to get up before Orion did and got some editing done. I'm on the very last chapter and my little epilogue. I've ditched my earlier last chapter and want to try to work a little scene from it into the epilogue, but I'm finding it not so easy to blend those pieces together.

Since Patrick has announced it on his journal, I suppose I can now freely mention what all my turmoil has been about for the last several months, and why stress was almost killing me, keeping me sick for months and months. Yes, Patrick and I are splitting up. Some people are simply shocked by this news; others are not surprised. The problem between us didn't just suddenly appear--it's been there a long long time. It just didn't materialize into something I had to reckon with until about 8 months ago. I'm the bad guy in this--the one asking for the divorce. I know Patrick has a ton of support from his friends, and I'm so grateful for that. As much or as little as people know about this, whatever opinions they may have of me or of our situation, I hope they realize how much I really care for Patrick and how it breaks my heart it has come to this.
Why else in fuck have I been continuously sick, week after week?
I've had some support from friends, too, yet I have likely lost some friends. I have one particular, steadfast friend who has really helped me through so much. I hope I can return the favor if it is ever needed.

I'll be likely moving into the condo I purchased about June 15th. I'll no longer be involved with Talebones and Fairwood Press stuff, but I plan to keep writing and perhaps still go to conventions now and then to see good friends. Maybe. It wouldn't surprise me if I dropped the whole writing thing. I love to write, of course, but Patrick was the one to encourage me to get out there and sell my stuff. Without his belief or encouragement behind me, I likely will just let my stuff sit in a drawer.

I can't believe my life has taken such a turn, that this is the path I'm now in the middle of. . .no turning back. As much as it hurts, it is necessary. I just hope we can remain cordial to one another, for Orion's sake. So far, we have.

Only a fraction of time this morning to work. I've GOT to get back on schedule, here! There is just so much stuff going on that makes it so difficult to resume my normal routine.

But hey! I'm feeling better, I think. However when I was out and about the other day, I almost fainted. It was something that went beyond the light-headed feeling I'll get after standing abruptly. It was a huge wave of internal dizziness that grabbed me from the inside-out. Had to hug the wall, and the person with me had to walk me to a nearby chair so I could sit with my head between my knees. The feeling passed, didn't come back, but I think I was ready to go down.
Strange.

Errands to do today, as there was yesterday. Patrick has hid our digital camera--too well--and can't find it. I had to buy a disposable camera for some photos I want to take today.

Anyone who lives in our area want to buy a ping-pong table?

Orion is wanting HIS computer time now.

Finished editing Ch. 72 this morning. Just a few pages from the end! Not that I'm celebrating, because I have much more work to do since I managed to ADD to this novel, rather than cut.

Peeing blood this morning. Ouch. That's not fun. I think my immune system is shot and everything wants to get at me. I'm still coughing up gunk, mostly at home which makes me wonder if there's some irritant here, and a Benadryl yesterday seemed to help my sniffles, though it knocked me out cold.

Too much to do today, but I should probably get a doctor's appointment. Damn!
Have to help my poppa out today with his drivers license stuff, and his car's smog test, have to keep yanking stuff out and putting in the garage for the big garage sale on Saturday, have tons of other obligations, too.

At this point, "things" are moving so quickly and I feel like I want this merry-go-round to stop because it is dizzying me up too much. Simple things, like being sad about my strawberry garden, hit me, when bigger stuff just seems too surreal to grasp.

Beautiful day yesterday, though. Spent all day outside, weeding and working with the truck-load of bark delivered to our house. Sunburnt shoulders, but it was good to soak up that lovely sunshine.

Happy Tuesday.

I've failed to get back on track in my waking up at 5:30, or earlier, to get my writing done. Somehow, my body has reverted back to my night-owl tendencies, and I can't get to sleep at night. Or I awaken at 2:00 a.m. and can't get back to sleep! When the alarm sounds at 5:30, I ignore it. I've been sick too much this year to forsake sleep as I have been. So, I'm choosing sleep over art right now.

I did some editing this morning. Worked on a fairly climatic scene, and now my Makenna is trapped in a house on fire.

Have a lot on my agenda today, and the pancake breakfast is sitting heavy and happy in my tummy, making me want to just sit.

Beautiful day so far, this cinco de mayo.

Working on chapter 71 this morning and closing in on the end. I kill a number of major characters here. At this point, one is down. Two to go. While writing the first draft, I didn't plan on killing character #2. But while in the scene, it felt so right, so I had to do it. I cried, too. Probably will again. This particular character represents something very major in my life--it's strange, but true. I wondered about the killing of that particular person the first time around, what it meant metaphorically. And now, I'll have to attend to it the second time around. It feels so physically tethered to my real life that I'm afraid to touch it. Sound strange?

Spent many hours weeding yesterday. (no, not drinking pina coladas and watching Miguel do it for me!) There is something cathartic about ripping out weeds, however. I needed to spend some aggression/anxiety I think.

I slept better last night, so I could get up and write this morning. I hope to keep up that trend.

Thanks to kenrand who offered to listen. It really helped.

Tonight, I register Orion in kindergarten! He's pretty proud about being five. Right now, he loves to use PAINT on the computer and can type in words (I help with spelling) and save his own work. The other day, when I was elsewhere in the house, he opened up a old drawing he called "Steps up to a window" so he could copy down the words himself to name a new drawing "Steps up to a window 2." He wrote in the title and saved this new drawing all by himself. After just watching me do it a few times.

Going to try to get out of the house today.

After a nice night of chocolate, talking, dancing, and photo-ops on the jet ski with fellow LJ'ers, I promised myself to get back to posting here. My life has become a bit dizzied up by some tough elements, including being sick and not getting enough sleep. It's kept me away from writing, so I promise to get back on track.

So, I made myself get to bed early last night. Ten p.m. I stayed awake until well after eleven, thinking about STUFF. I took a Benadryl, hoping it would conk me out. Hoped for a lot of things, really, like sweet dreams. Nope.

Yesterday, the War of the Worlds birthday party was a lot of fun. Patrick took Orion out to McDonald's while I hung up the decorations I'd made of the Martian machines, etc. We kept the party small--just family--but he had his two boy cousins to run around with and a gorgeous day to be outside. He got a cool Star Wars At-At, a pogo stick, a bike, 2 light sabers, a dice game, shirts. . .a good haul for a 5 year old!

Editing PALMS this morning, currently on chapter 70. Today, a busy day planned for cleaning the house of birthday clutter, pulling weeds and not letting Orion see me cry when the need hits me.